“I don’t want to feel” is a statement that my sister said to me when I implored her to cry the sadness she felt after we received very sad news about my father. When I research this statement online, I find reddit posts with this headline followed by deep difficult emotions people are going through. It makes so much sense that people don’t want to feel when the feelings we are carrying are painful and almost unbearable. Our bodies, our hearts and our souls feel so vulnerable in the act of feeling our uncomfortable feelings. Our bodies, our hearts and our souls have gone through so much, and we hold on to our stories and our feelings in hope that if no one sees us cry then maybe the pain doesn’t exist. Maybe we’re not THAT damaged, and maybe the trauma never happened to us.
Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Magical? Except of course not realistic because our pain is very real, we do feel damaged, and we did experience trauma. However that does not mean that what comes after that cannot be wonderful or magical.
Not Feeling is Impossible
When we say we don’t want to feel, it probably means we are already feeling a lot and it is overwhelming. It also means we have probably crossed our threshold of feeling safe, that’s why it is so scary and we want nothing to do with it. Therefore, shortly after these statements are said we begin to dissociate in an effort to avoid feeling the uncomfortable emotions. We equate numbing with “being okay” and avoidance with “self-care.” I’m actually a big fan of giving your own meaning to words, however this type of coping mechanism it’s just straight up self-harm. It’s like lying to yourself about a partner who is CLEARLY not into you, but you like them so much you will keep lying to yourself. That type of self-lying typically ends in heartbreak, and that type of coping mechanism tends to end in an extended period of misery that actually leads to loneliness and what feels like an endless heartbreak..
The reality is that not feeling is actually impossible. You can ignore feelings, pretend they’re not happening, pretend you don’t care, or even dissociate; but I can guarantee you the feeling is still there. There is a feeling telling you to not feel it (maybe fear), there is a feeling telling you to avoid it (maybe anger). There are multiple feelings telling you to dissociate (maybe grief, pain, sadness). By “choosing” to “not feel” you are actually just wasting valuable energy trying to shut down innate biological mechanisms formed to keep you safe. Therefore, to try to not feel, is like fighting with quicksand, meaning you sink more instead of helping yourself out of the danger.
Dissociation Does Not Equal Not Feeling
Dissociation is pretending you’re not stuck in the quicksand when you clearly are. Can you imagine being stuck, in danger and just pretending that it is not happening? How wild does that sound! As mentioned in my previous blog, dissociation is just a tool to avoid pain with a surge of interest in damaged relationships and extended suffering. It deprives you from authenticity, love and joy. With dissociation you’re not getting rid of the pain, but rather ignoring it. The problem is that it continues to hang out with you on your shoulders weighing you down, or in your tummy making you ill, until you admit yourself that it is there.
If you still aren’t completely convinced not feeling is actually impossible, it’s probably because you’re probably too good at dissociating. If that’s the case, honestly thank your body because only you know what it has been protecting you from. However, if you’re still here reading this, it means you’re beginning to not benefit as much from the dissociation and have started to wonder what it would be like to give yourself permission to feel. To acknowledge the feelings that have always been there. I encourage you to imagine for the next minute what not dissociating would be like….
Is it scary? Is it sad? Is it overwhelming? Did you stop before it felt worse? Congratulations! You allowed yourself to feel for an amount within your threshold. Yes it was short, but you did it, and guess what? You’re still alive reading this really long blog. lol
What’s the Alternative to Fighting the “I Don’t Want to Feel”?
What’s the alternative then? Surrendering. I know society tells us surrendering is wrong, and I may have to write a post about it later, but when it comes to fighting your feelings, you should surrender. In this case, surrendering means allowing the feelings to flow, acknowledging them, crying, letting your body feel all the sensations that make you tear up. The emotion will hit like a hard wind going right through you, and then it will pass. Then it will clear and your body will have so much insight on what is to come. Let me be clear though, this is not an all or nothing situation. You don’t have to feel all of your feelings at once, and you don’t have to tolerate immense amounts of emotional pain that goes beyond your threshold.
What feelings can you handle right now? How much sadness can you tolerate? Maybe today we just cry about mom and we process the pain from dad on another day. Maybe today we just process the acknowledgement that you are hurt and that is enough. You don’t have to make yourself feel unsafe in order to feel. You can create a comforting surrounding that gives you the safety to allow yourself to feel a little by little. And if you’re fearing a waterfall of emotions will unleash if you allow yourself to cry once, I can guarantee you there will be much more tears to shed later. That waterfall is just what your body needs at that exact moment. Grant it to your body.
After you feel your feelings, some clarity and calmness will come. You’ll begin to notice when you’re not feeling, and it is then when something will scream inside you, demanding you to give yourself permission to live life fully and authentically.
I hope you get to tell me what that is like one day.